I know how it feels to have social anxiety. That way your mind goes blank and you can't focus on a single thought. The way your stomach feels sick, your mouth goes dry, your heart beats faster and faster. Every movement feels like it's weighed down with lead and clumsy. The sweating, the shaking.
If you have social anxiety, please take a moment to appreciate how much courage you have to go out every day and live through your worst nightmare.
For the past year or so, I've been scouring the web on how to get over social anxiety. I even bought a self help book based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
I've pretty much accepted that I will never not have social anxiety. But I've learnt that I can ease its impact and allow myself to be happier.
Although this journey has been filled with a lot of discoveries and various complexities, I'm going to try my best to condense these into five areas to explain the techniques and thoughts I've found most helpful.
1. Identify exactly what it is you're afraid of
I knew I experienced anxiety in social situations, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was that I was afraid of. This is because the assumptions we've made about people and social situations have become so ingrained that we don't have to put these thoughts into words, they come to us automatically in an abstract way.
It wasn't until I really thought about it and wrote things down, that I realized that most of my fears revolve around thinking that people will talk about me behind my back - about everything! The awkward way I walk, the way I speak, things I do, things I don't do. Everything. I could then see how ridiculous that would be:
Did you see that stupid way she was walking? She's so weird.
Who even talks like that? I could see how out of proportion my mind had made this. And even if someone does talk about you behind your back, it's not going to be the end of the world.
Just reminding myself of this makes me feel so much better when I feel awkward in a situation. And I really do have to remind myself a lot.
So have a really good think and write down exactly what it is you think will happen in social situations. You will probably find that your mind has really exaggerated the possible negative outcomes. You can then use this knowledge to help to question you're assumptions and to guide how you can deal with your anxiety in a way that's best for you.
2. Always assume the best
This was actually a bit of advice I read about romantic relationships (I don't remember where). The point it was making is that people make negative assumptions about their partner's behaviour. For example, your partner doesn't text back for ages -- you assume that they're ignoring you, or they're up to no good etc. So you angrily confront them on the matter.... but it turns out their phone had died, or they were driving, or they had no signal, or any number of innocent reasons. You got all worried and anxious over nothing.
I decided to apply this advice to all of my interactions. So, if I say hi to someone and they don't say hi back, I used to think "They're ignoring me/they hate me" etc. whereas now, I think "They just didn't hear me/they might be having a rough day". You can save yourself so much worry by just assuming the best of people and reminding yourself that that person's life is just as rife with worries and complexities as yours. Remember that you are not a mind reader I've underlined that because that could be a whole point in itself! You might think that someone is focusing on you stumbling over your words or walking really awkwardly, but actually they are most likely focusing on their own world, their own problems - Am I going to finish work on time to pick the kids up from school? I really want to go to that concert but I can't afford it? I'm hungry. I want to to dye my hair. etc etc.
Another thing is that people forget things much quicker than you think. You vividly remember that time you embarrassingly stammered or that time you said something stupid. But for the other person, it's gotten lost amongst the numerous events and conversations of their day/lifetime. Do you remember embarrassing things that other people have done? If you do, do you think badly about that person because of that moment, or do you still like them?
I now try my best to have a generally more lighthearted view of everything. If I do something silly, I laugh to myself about it and remind myself that people aren't going to remember it anyway.
People can't read your mind either, which leads us to point 3...
3. People probably can't tell that you're anxious
I used to think that everyone saw me as this anxiety ridden, timid, clumsy mess and that they thought less of me because of it. It made things worse while I was talking to people because I would think things like "they can just tell I'm so anxious/they can see me going red" and I would get even more anxious and frustrated in myself. I had such a negative view of it... only to find out when I actually asked people, that I come across as confident but abrupt. I couldn't get my head around it!
Even if they can tell that you're anxious, it doesn't necessarily mean that people like you any less. The study I've linked found that while those with social anxiety rated their friendships negatively, their friends rated them positively.
You can use this knowledge to reduce worrying about whether or not your coming off as anxious and roll with it as best you can.
You can use this knowledge to reduce worrying about whether or not your coming off as anxious and roll with it as best you can.
4. Don't put pressure on yourself to be something you're not or do things you're not ready for.
Some advice that I've read emphasized just putting yourself out there as much as you can, don't even think of what you want to say, just say stuff etc. so you force yourself to get over the anxiety. When I put this into practice, I found I was forcing myself to act in a way that wasn't natural for me and this made me even more anxious and my progress deteriorated.
Instead I decided to learn how to feel comfortable and anxiety free in social situations when I wasn't saying anything or doing things to 'put myself out there'. To do this, I focused my attention outside myself, I took notice of what my surroundings were like, what other people were saying or doing, thinking about how they may be feeling etc.
When I got to a point where I felt comfortable with this, I could then say things I wanted to say, when I wanted to say them (instead of forcing myself unnaturally to say things), and feel less anxious about it.
Remember: If you have something you want to say, go ahead and say it. But if you feel in a withdrawn, quiet mood, that's ok too. You don't have to force yourself to be outgoing all the time.
5. Write down your progress
When I started putting the advice I had read into practice, I found I would remember the times I didn't do so well, even though I may have had loads of positive interactions during that day. This would give me the impression that it was a waste of time even trying and I might as well give up.
By writing down the progress you've made, you turn an abstract thought into something more solid and clearer in your mind. In turn this helps you to remember it more easily and hopefully more vividly.
It's also helpful to write down improvements you think you could make or different things you can try out, as this will help you develop exactly what you want to do and how you're going to go about it.
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I've come a long way from the anxiety I used to feel, but I've still got a long way to go. It might be difficult, it might push me out of my comfort zone, but every positive step I take brings me closer to feeling happy and accepting of myself, to connecting with and understanding other people, to calming the sea.
I hope that by sharing this, I can help someone who feels similar to me. Let me know your thoughts on this or things that you've learnt which have made a difference to you.
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Photo by Hayley☄
Written by Hayley☄
Written by Hayley☄
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